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A wild video of Olympic headlines went viral on X over the weekend, and they were so outlandish, I had to look and see if they were real:
THEY. ARE. ALL. REAL.
- Minion Copyright Infringement
- I Want My Girlfriend Back
- Thief Wins Gold
- PenisGate
- Fugitive Fan Gets Caught
Penisgate had that “pump, pump it up” crypto song stuck in my head for most of the weekend. In case you missed that headline, the ski jumpers are allegedly injecting hyaluronic acid into their penises to inflate them before their bodies are scanned for their suits, so when their penises shrink back down before they compete, there is extra fabric – and it’s like a sail while they’re in the air.
The anti-doping league is investigating, and I can’t stop laughing.
Still, the biggest scandal of the elections (so far) is the Canadian curling crisis. First of all, let’s talk about the outsized focus on curling during this Olympics. Everyone was talking about curling even before the Canadians made these headlines. That's weird.
Anyway, the Swedes allege that the Canadian men’s team serially cheats when throwing their stones by double-touching it, ostensibly to direct it, after the throw. They were so frustrated, they set up a surveillance sting operation to catch them in the act. It came to a head when one of the Swedes called out the Canadian, the latter profanely denied the allegation:
Canadian Marc Kennedy: "I haven’t done it once. You can fuck off."
Swede Oskar Eriksson: "I’ll show you a video after the game. I’ll show you a video where it’s two meters over the hog line."
Then came the video:
World Curling insured a verbal warning to Kennedy for his language: “Following the Friday evening session, World Curling spoke with the Canadian officials to issue a verbal warning regarding the language used by a Canadian men's player during the game. During that meeting it was made clear to those officials that further inappropriate behavior, determined by rule R.19 would result in additional sanctions."
According to reports, other teams confirmed Sweden’s frustrations, while the Brits were also accused of the same violations. Since Britain and Canada are basically the same country, does that make it the crown’s curling con?
When I was telling a friend about this whole thing – very excitedly on Saturday – I said, “If this were an election investigation, they’d prosecute the Swedes.”
Well, what do you know?
Canada is accusing the Swedes of recording violations inside the arena.
“How dare you catch us cheating?!”
The Canadians are ballsy, I’ll give them that. Check their lockers for Hyaluronic acid…
Let’s go week two!
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