POLITICAL HUMOR PIECE: Today this reporter interviewed Miss Angela Woody, the 117-year-old Englewood Republican who ArapahoeVotes claims is the oldest voter in Arapahoe County (see Voter Statistics on ArapahoeVotes.gov), and in fact in the world. Wikipedia says the oldest person is some 116-year-old youngster in Spain, but clearly they forgot to check the Arapahoe County voter rolls. However, Miss Angela seems to have stayed 117 for more than a year now, so maybe the Spanish lady will pass her up soon. Also, Miss Angela may not actually be named Angela Woody; perhaps Arapahoe County could check its voter rolls for her real name?
Miss Angela, what do you think of the Englewood recall election?
Oh, my dear, I have never seen anything like it in all my days! I thought Englewood had gone to pot, especially since all the pot shops opened up along Broadway, but then all these carjackings and vandalism and robberies and assaults and murders, and then they want to bring more people in and tear down the houses and build stacks of shoeboxes to live in, and the price of living goes up and the standard of living goes down – well, there I go again, prattling on, where were we?
The recall election?
Oh, yes, wasn’t it just fascinating that we had all these people in Englewood who didn’t like all this hogwash and were angry enough to recall the city council, but then even more people show up who love and adore our city council? I always thought people act when they are scared or angry, and don’t really do much when they like how things are. It was all quite odd. Never in all my born days have I seen so many people so energetic to keep the same people in office. Except there was that time –
Well, there was that time when the West was still wild that we had some people getting paid to look the other way when they saw corruption. Yes, indeed, those paid people were very energetic to keep the same people in office. But Englewood is civilized. At least it used to be.
How many people voted? Did you see the vote totals?
Well, dear, yes, and I added them up on my calculator and then checked them by hand. Those were just unofficial totals, now, you understand. They say 1,763 people wanted the three council members recalled. And 2,235 wanted to keep them right where they are. But for some reason those numbers are unofficial, they might change. Can’t say I see why it takes them a day to count less than 4000 ballots. I knew to count that high when I was in first grade.
I guess people don’t know how to count, or add, these days. I know Englewood was offered an election system like we used to do, that was hand counted with paper ballots, everyone could watch their votes be counted and it would have been double-checked and finished the same evening, and you didn’t have to buy all that newfangled software.
But instead now here it is a day later and their spiffy fast-counting election system still doesn’t know if their vote totals are going to change, and so they can’t call it official yet. I sure hope they didn’t pay too much for that spiffy election system. Maybe Englewood should put some money toward first-grade teachers who know how to teach students to count.
POLITICAL HUMOR PIECE by Cinncinatia, Colorado Free Press Contributor