• January 13, 2024

    375 Laws the Colorado Secretary of State Will Be Passing This Session (Political Humor)

    January 13, 2024
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    Screenshot. Colorado Secretary of State Jena Griswold

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    Political Humor

    Oh, don’t give us that stupid rant about it’s the legislative branch that makes laws. If Her Majesty the Queen of Colorado says it’s a law, it is. That’s the point of being queen. Anyway, the legislature will pass it, because they were told to pass it. And it doesn’t really matter if you call it a law or a regulation or a statute or a suggestion or a freckle or a gnu – all that matters is that you obey, because the Secretary of State is an Official, and officials are Important and Responsible People You Must Obey Because They Know What They’re Doing.

    So, here are some of the laws for this session that will move Colorado toward becoming a happy place where you will own nothing and eat bugs.

    1. It shall be unlawful for county clerks to think, think of thinking, suggest, assert, examine, postulate, speculate, calculate, or even muse without the express permission of Her Majesty. This law does not contradict the First Amendment. Clerks may talk; only thought is policed.
    2. Election machines shall not be connected to the Internet. They’ve already been connected for years, so making even more connections would be fraud, waste, and abuse of government funds.
    3. Voters shall vote early and often.
    4. Nonexistent voters, in order to vote, must prove that they have a ballot.
    5. Dead people, in order to vote, must prove that they have at least one name.
    6. Out-of-staters are welcome to vote in Colorado unless they actually removed their own address from the voter rolls when they moved.
    7. In-person voters must use Ballot Marking Devices unless they can demonstrate their capability to fill in an oval with a pen without the assistance of a machine. Even then, voters should be assumed to be idiots and strongly encouraged to let the machine vote for them.
    8. Mail-in ballots that are lost by the Post Office shall be recorded as delivered, because obviously they did get delivered somewhere. Duh!
    9. Mail-in ballots left in drop boxes that are not in bundles of at least 10 shall be assumed to be Trump votes and there is probably something illegal about them so they must not be counted.
    10. Elections are very serious. Election workers shall keep a straight face when emptying a drop box out in the boonies that is stuffed to the brim with ballots. Workers shall maintain an attitude of reverential faith in democracy.
    11. If the Supreme Court says Trump should not be on the ballot, all three Biden votes must be multiplied by a suitable factor to show 125% turnout, so that Colorado may be seen to be even more patriotic than Pennsylvania.
    12. If the Supreme Court says to count Trump votes, they shall be counted. But nobody said they had to be added up.
    13. If the peons people of Colorado demand paper ballots hand-counted at the local level, the ballots shall be printed on rice paper, mailed out to voters who may count all the ballots in their local house, on their hands or toes or whatever they want. But since voters are too stupid to count, the totals shall be considered unofficial. Official voting, counting and tabulating shall all be handled by AI, which is able to produce the proper result in microseconds.
      1. Proper results shall be determined according to the size of the contribution the candidate makes to the Secretary of State. 
    14. Through 375. Reserved for laws the Secretary of State may have to make up on the spot to ensure that all opposition to her benevolent rule is completely illegal.

    Political humor article by Cincinnatia, Colorado Free Press Contributor

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