• 05/21/2024

    Colorado Master Cake Maker, Jack Phillips Has First Amendment Rights. Update: No He Doesn’t. Update: Yes He Does. Update: No He Doesn’t. Update: Yes He Does. (POLITICAL HUMOR)

    October 12, 2023
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    Image by Muduchaorj HARIMO. Making a Cake and the 1st Amendment of the United States Constitution

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    This week Jack Phillips, master cake maker (when he occasionally gets the chance to make cakes) at Masterpiece Cake shop in Lakewood, Colorado, has First Amendment rights. Stand by for more updates, depending on what the current judge looking at his case says the Constitution says. The judge’s interpretation is important because judges are special people who are always right because they have a hammer thing sort of like Thor’s, but without the lightning or anything else fun about it. They are also always right because they are smart enough to pretend to understand lawyerese and old English. Thus they are uniquely able to figure out the meaning of inscrutable phrases the Constitution uses, such as “Congress shall not”, which can be interpreted in modern English as, “Congress shall”.

    Some have said the Constitution was written to be understandable to every American, but it is a self-evident truth that it would be incredibly dangerous for regular Americans to read the user manual. You can’t have tinkerers fiddling around with the smooth workings of a fine instrument like the government. We are all much safer when we just trust the experts.

    Hopefully this time the Constitution will come out with the right answer. Everyone knows the Constitution is a living document, so it makes sense to keep poking at it to see if it is still alive, as you do with the cute little animals in the pet store who are lying down looking desperate after the last seventeen kids who tapped on the glass while they were sleeping.

    The current prosecutorial thinking is, when the Constitution said you can’t abridge freedom of speech, it may have actually meant to say you can’t abridge the freedom of speech of the people who are telling you what to say. The Supreme Court has disagreed with this interpretation several times now, but you never know when they might be distracted and accidentally say “yes” when they meant to say “no”. (This tactic is referred to by lawyers as the Strategum Pesterus, or Toddler Strategy.) So this week Phillips is in court again, and a crack team of lawyers is working on a new design to demand on a cake whenever he gets out of court.

    POLITICAL HUMOR PIECE by Cincinnatia, Colorado Free Press Contributor

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