• 06/24/2024

    Colorado Republicans Worry If They Opt Out of Open Primaries, Unaffiliateds Will Switch to the Party of Lockdowns, Mandates, and Eating Bugs (Political Satire/Humor)

    August 15, 2023
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    Image by Zs6hz. Eating Bugs

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    Po;itical Satire/Humor

    “I just don’t know,” said local Republican Giorgiana Snickelfritz. “Open primaries have been just terrible for Republicans, but those unaffiliated voters are so touchy. I’m afraid if we say they can’t vote in our own elections, they will be so insulted they will vote Democrat.”

    To find out the truth, this reporter interviewed unaffiliated voter Rixq Janjoutd. Xze was insulted at the very question. “If the Republican Party DARES TO disenfranchise non-members from voting, no question, I’ll vote with the party that gives me a vote – sometimes a bunch of votes!” Xze paused and considered. “Of course, it’s not like I was ever going to vote for a party that misgendered me. The Republicans called me ‘Sir or Madam’!”

    Another unaffiliated voter, John Smith, was asked why he didn’t join a party. “Um, why? If you join a party they think you want to knock doors for them. Being unaffiliated means I get all the votes and none of the responsibility.”

    “You serious?” said an unnamed and unaffiliated male who just turned 18. “I don’t want to be associated with white-haired rich people or anything, but…vote with Democrats!? The ones who suffocated us for two years and ruined everything good about school? The ones who convinced girls I’m evil because I exist? The ones who want to get rid of trucks, guns, and meat? Are you Republicans going to man up or do I have to do it for you?”

    In breaking news, unaffiliateds turn out to have more than one point of view, but few of them love eating bugs.

    Political Satire/Humor by Cincinnatia

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