Governor Jared Polis had absolutely no choice but to pre-emptively declare Colorado a disaster area after a deadly, terrible plague of cold was predicted to spread across the plains and mountains of Colorado.
“I have to declare the disaster before it even happens because there won’t be communication after the cold hits,” Polis announced, “Because everyone in Colorado will stay huddled and shivering in their homes due to such awful cold. Except for the homeless, who will DIE unless we immediately build new apartments everywhere which will magically be affordable.” Polis categorically denied the possibility that the lethal cold was what used to be called “winter in Colorado”, assuring his vassal state that there has never been such disastrous, harmful cold in human history. “Remember? We mandated nice weather as part of getting rid of gas vehicles. There’s a legal limit to the snow here, in Camelot, I mean Colorado.”
A couple days later, there were scenes of Coloradans beginning to venture outside their homes, surveying the terrible disaster scene of sparkling snow, and sharing disaster stories of what they did during the power blink when their entertainment was momentarily interrupted.
Two Coloradans bravely ventured out on the roads, but returned home, trembling, to call in to work and say they couldn’t come in because they lost control of their cars before they reached the end of the driveway. Staying alive, as they reminded the office answering machine, is worth more than a missed day at work. They told of scenes outdoors: sheet ice everywhere, cars spun out, semis upside-down, and never had they ever seen such destruction.
Immediately afterward there was a traffic jam on I-70 as the entire metro area fled the disaster scene for the ski slopes. Wearing goggles, balaclavas, and mufflers to protect them from cold, COVID, and being recognized, people still kept an eye out just in case they might run into their boss at A Basin.
Polis continued to warn the populace that unless they listen to him, in six months heat will descend – temperatures could rise to ONE HUNDRED DEGREES! People will die, and it will all be the fault of white males.
Polis had come to Colorado from California with the idea it was easier to scare people about weather events here, but he is considering moving to the Midwest, where a dead air conditioner gets a lot better reaction than in Colorado.
Political Humor by Cincinnati, Colorado Free Press Contributor