• 05/21/2024

    How to Practice Safe Voting in Colorado (Political Humor)

    October 23, 2023
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    Public Domain. Colorado Safe Voting November 7, 2023

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    Political Humor Piece!

    Dear Voter,

    Voting is a very dangerous activity. Alarming things happen when real people actually vote, so we want to make sure this election is a completely safe experience for your government.

    But you must participate in voting because it makes everybody feel good. It turns some cog in our government called “fulfilling your civic duty” and you get a cute sticker so everyone will know you fulfilled your civic duty, even though nobody knows what voting has to do with Hondas.

    In the past, people used to go in person to the election place. People caught all kinds of diseases doing this because there are germs all over election equipment – hence the phrase “dirty elections”. In 1953 Mrs. Carmelita Rottweilerschnitzelschnauzerhund got a paper cut from a paper ballot and it got infected and she DIED. Also sometimes it snowed and people were tragically killed in car accidents just trying to vote. And, oh, my, there were lions and tigers and bears. Death and destruction everywhere!

    Today everything is much safer. In our contactless voting system, your ballot arrives by mail and it is completely private unless you have a family member or neighbor standing over you telling you how to vote, in which case it is much simpler to just give them the ballot and go do something more fun.

    Voting really is difficult and annoying, and we would like to make your life simpler. So we invite you to just leave any, or all, of the ballot blank. Please don’t worry or stress yourself about what to mark; we have experts who will assist with making sure it is filled in properly.

    Next you put it in the privacy sleeve and envelope. You should probably try to follow all the instructions for what you do with the sleeve, but don’t sweat it. It’s written to scare the other party, but if you are the right party, we don’t care if you can’t spell your own name or if your birthday is 01/01/01 or if you are dead – actually we prefer that, and we can assist you with that, too.

    Then you put your ballot back in the mail. It’s not like sending cash – people who send cash through the mail usually try to disguise it. Cash would never disappear if we labeled it like ballots, in a big, very identifiable envelope that says, “Here is cash! Don’t steal it, or the government will come and quote regulations at you!”

    But if you don’t want to have your ballot go postal, so to speak, you can put it in one of the big ballot collection boxes that look like some sort of trash compactor. (The resemblance is completely coincidental.) You can always feel safe in that area because the box is well-protected with cameras. On occasion, the cameras are even turned on, and focused so as to get a wonderful video of the sky.

    It is possible to vote in person, on Election Day, but that’s sort of semi-classified information which we try to keep quiet. We highly discourage you from voting in person, and even more definitely discourage you from voting on paper. You might come in contact with actual people, and you might see things that make you feel sick! But even if you do vote in person and on paper, it’s okay, when your disgusting germy ballot disappears into the opaque box, you will never see it again, and in fact we have ways to make sure nobody else ever does either.

    Happy voting, and may the beauty of this joyous Election Season be with you and yours,

    Your Dear Leaders

    Political Humor piece by Cincinnatia, Colorado Free Press Contributor

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