Have you seen the Colorado turnout rates from the recent election, especially in metro Denver counties? Wow! We really have motivated voters! People must have been just streaming into polling places and lining up everywhere to deposit the 10 mail-in ballots that one person is allowed to deposit. Strangely, nobody reported any such traffic jams. But it all definitely happened on Election Day – for some reason Election Day was really convenient to turn in mail-in ballots, ten times more convenient than other days. And we know this is true because our gold standard election system told us so, and we must have faith and not ask questions.
We can see from this election that abortion is not the really inflammatory topic. What really gets people going is property taxes, and school boards, and that’s why the turnout for this election was in the range of a presidential election turnout. You might have thought these were boring local races, but you would be wrong. Didn’t you notice the pro-and anti-property tax protests that roiled our state, and people getting canceled for their fiery online debates about the various school board and city council candidates? Good thing we got this over with before Thanksgiving; it would be hard for some families to come together with their violent disagreements about the school boards.
One illustration of how strong the feelings were: some people actually looked up the names of who was running more than a day before voting! Others just flipped a coin, but they made sure to vote because voting is what makes America great and got Biden in the White House!
In the ancient past (circa 2000, before electronic voting machines) people bemoaned the low turnout – you could hardly get half the eligible voters to show up even for presidential elections, even though the elections were always described as “the most important in your lifetime!” (Apparently half the people didn’t believe the media even then.) But now people are much more civically minded than any generation before them; they really really care about property tax and city councils and school boards. No longer do we need parties to have major drives to Get Out the Vote. We don’t even need people to get out and vote. We really don’t need people at all. All we need is enough ballots.
In other news, counties have discovered yet more piles of mail-in ballots lying around that they somehow forgot to count, all voting for Prop HH and signed by a bunch of voters who are all named Jared P. Maybe before the results are official, we’ll get the turnout up to 78%! Let’s show those other states how civically minded Coloradans are!
Political Humor article by Cincinnatia, Colorado Free Press Contributor